Thank you...

Last night, I laid awake in bed just just thanking Him for anything my eyes fell on - my home, my roof, my bed, even my cute Africa decorations...why? I finally felt good. I have been sick with the cold from down under (not Australia) since Tuesday. I've been lying on the couch with no energy, bad headaches, soar throat etc. only soup, grilled cheese and chocolate was sounding good to eat. And on one particular night I got to revisit all I had eaten that day...

Anyway, it feels so good to feel good again and I'm just thankful. I don't want to take my health for granted. Oh if i could bottle up how I'm feeling right now and save it for sick days to come or even gray-haired days to come when things don't work like they should any more. It's inspired me to get health insurance also.

More often than not, I grabbed my guitar this week and I can't explain it but I felt better while I was singing and playing the guitar. The song I'm learning right now is "My romance". Revelation 5:11 tells us that there are 100 million angels worshiping the Lord around His throne...100 million all saying the same thing "worthy is the lamb that was slain"...makes my headache seem quite insignificant. One more thank you - to my church in Swaziland, Salvation and Praise Ministries (pictured above)- they are the ones who taught me to worship and sing to the Lord when I don't feel good.

I don't want chocolate chip...

One of my friends' 4 year old grandson called her the other day and said he was coming to visit her. She told him she would have a cookie for him when he got there. When her grandson showed up she handed him a chocolate chip cookie. He refused it, he wanted a pink-heart shaped one. The little boy was hurt because he was sure his grandma had promised him a pink heart-shaped cookie. "I did promise you a cookie but I didn't say a pink heart-shaped cookie", she told him. When she asked him why he wanted a pink-heart shaped cookie he said "because that one means love". She had to explain to him that the chocolate chip cookie meant she loved him also.

I'm doing the same thing with my Abba. He promised to love me, protect me, speak to me, draw me etc. and now all of the sudden his methods are different and I'm rejecting them. To me, feeling His presence makes me feel loved. Lately, He has felt so far away but a song will come on the radio and express what I cannot say and I burst into tears. That's still telling me He's there, He's listening...but I don't want that way. I read my Bible and nothing pops out like it used to and I'm frustrated that He's not speaking to me. Instead, friends in Christ are speaking truth into my life that is penetrating my heart. I'm such a routine and method person and the Lord so wants it to be about the relationship but I'm struggling with these chocolate chip cookies.

PAID

In this desert season, the Lord has been extremely quiet. In the last several years He would speak to my soul, I knew it was Him speaking and in the last year or so it was more clear than ever. Now, I don't hear anything, I don't "feel" anything. Yet, I believe He remains just as close as ever. In this season He is still "speaking" but in new ways. He's been doing a lot through songs on the radio, seasoned saints etc. But today He used another way, He's getting more creative all the time. In this "healing" season He's first had to show me things He has needed to heal (because I didn't know they were there). In my life I've been hurt, like the rest of us, and because I didn't resolve and forgive and allow these hurts to heal, they've festered into lies. For example, I've been hurt by relationships in my life where I did not feel loved. My conclusions have been I'm not worthy of love, I have to earn love...and so on...Of course I didnt think any of these things but subconciously that's what I believed.

The "I must be good to earn love" lie is what the Lord's been dealing with me most recently. I cannot grasp the fact that He loves me unconditionally. So I work tirelessly to try and earn His love so I don't disappoint Him, don't fail Him, don't push Him away...this is not grace and this is not how God's love "works" therefore I'm believing something false about Him.

I don't remember where I heard this...I think it was my discipleship counseling class I'm taking at a local bible college. The professor asked "How do we know what something is worth"? The answer is what someone will pay for it. Jesus Christ, God incarnate, left heaven and became a servant to lowly humans and paid the price of His life for me. He PAID everything, there is nothing left for me to pay, yet I keep trying to pay after it's been paid.

Today, I went to my little sister's softball tournament and to get in I had to get a stamp on my hand. When I was driving home from the tournament, I looked down at my hand...

"PAID" (upside down) stamped on my hand...oh that it would make it into my heart...

This ain't Africa!

Last week, I was driving back from San Diego and as soon as I got on the 5 North I was sitting in traffic. It was 9am on a Tuesday, it should not have been that much traffic. When I got to the source of the traffic jam, 2 lanes had been blocked off because of a 12 in long, 2 in deep hole in one of the lanes. There were 3 highway patrol, CalTrans with their big orange cones, and someone with a uniform on taking a picture. I just started laughing, thinking of the the number of holes in the road in Swaziland and things don't come to a halt...

He is on Our Side

I have this picture of what's going on in my life: I was walking down a road. The road had twists and turns and bumps and I could not see farther than my next step. I'm looking down by the dimly lit path I'm walking on and WHAM a truck coming the opposite direction slams into me. I'm knocked clear off the path and as I try to recover while still wondering "what was that" I realize I'm hurt - everything aches. Still in shock I stand to my feet but the path I was on is nowhere in sight. I don't even know which direction that path is in. Now I'm standing, my insides broken, in a dark place with no hope or direction. Questions fly through my head: Where did that come from? Am I ok? Will I ever heal? Where am I? What did I do to deserve this? How do I get back to that path? Was I ever even on a path to begin with?

While in this trial my heart has literally ached and some days I feel like there are open wounds. A few weeks ago I did have a tangible physical pain that I had to go and see the chiropractor for. I'm still not totally sure what the problem is but my lower back is in pain a good majority of the time. I rested a few days and jumped back into exercising and strength building only to be back almost where I started (flat on my back) this past Monday. It hurt to do anything at the gym and I came home livid. I went to the chiropractor yesterday and vented my frustration "I hate being limited!" I'm only 26 years old, I should be able to run and lift things. Part of the problem is my pride, I will admit because I HAVE to walk on the treadmill while everyone else is running. And not only do i have to walk but walk slow because anything more than a stroll brings pain. I wish I could wear a sign that says "I really could be running, I'm in shape enough to run, but I just have lower back pain". Venting to a friend today, I jokingly said "well at least I'm making everyone else feel better about themselves if they workout next to me".

Today at the gym the woman next to me and a few treadmills over from me on the right both walked the whole way. No, I didn't want to thank them for making me feel better or give them a high five and say "running is for the proud". I couldn't help but notice the lady next to me who was probably 10-15 years older than me about several pounds heavier than me kept glancing over at me. Suddenly, I was thinking, all the sudden she can relate to me. If I was running she might have been discouraged because she knew she couldn't run. It made me think about my "hating to be limited" comment and thinking how much Christ had to limit himself to come so I could relate to Him. I know I will come tumbling off that missionary pedestal if I keep being open and honest about where I'm at right now but praise Him because people can't relate to those on the pedestal but those who have been wounded.

The following is one of my favorite songs right now. "You are on our side" by Bethany Dillon. You can listen to it on the right in the red playlist. He's allowing me to be wounded so I can relate to the wounded. That's who Jesus spent His time with. I love the picture this song gives of Christ sitting at the table with all the world's rejected. He's laughing and joking with them, enjoying them, and I just see their shame lifting from them as He draws them closer. Thank you, Jesus!

The orphan clings to Your hand

Singing the song of how he was found

The widow rejoices

For her oppressors are silenced now

You sit at the table

with the wounded and the poor

You laugh and share stories

with the thief and the whore

When You could just be silent

and leave us here to die

Still, You sent Your Son for us

You are on our side

The runaway falls at Your feet

You are what he has searched for

The rich man is broken

When he stands beneath a sky full of stars

Thank Him

Beth Moore, one of my favorite teachers, said once in a message I heard of hers something like if she wakes up and is in a bad mood or something she thinks "Thank Him". And as she starts thanking Him and joy starts to flood her mind. One of my spiritual dads, also said "The Lord thrives off of thanksgiving".

In the midst of this darkness, trial, and desert season there are things that I am thankful for.

To start off, this morning I checked my email and my top 8 emails were from outside of the United States. If i looked at my top 10, the others were 2 I had met while living in Africa and even they don't live in California. I just started thanking the Lord that I woke up and had emails from Kenya, South Africa, Swaziland, Michigan, and Kansas City and as of tonight I got one from Atlanta from a sweet sister who I lived in Africa with. I'm so thankful that I have friends from so many tongues, tribes, and nations and that different languages were written in my emails. I love that these saints are from all different backgrounds, denominations, and paths leading to furthering the Kingdom of heaven. I love the ways they have all influenced me, encouraged me, poured into me, and challenged me.

Thank you:

My iPod is now fixed

for My home

My family and getting to be a part of their daily lives again

That you never leave me

for Time to heal

for Those you are bringing around me during this difficult time

for Your unconditional love

that My basic needs are met

that I had a meal tonight and will not go to bed hungry

for Electricity, water, shelter...

for 2 jobs during a difficult economic time in our country

for The gift of music

for 4 recent Phone calls from Africa

that You are good and you can do nothing less...

I Believe

I am crucified. My flesh is still here so I must choose to die to my desire and my will. Very practically, my desire is to write about encouraging, fun things the Lord has done in my life or let me experience like African women dancing when they receive soap. This whole crucifying thing is death and not just death but a painful death. And the more Becca dies the more you can see Christ.

I'm taking a class on Discipleship Counseling at a local Bible college and it's basically about helping people walk through the healing process. My teacher showed us how Christ going to the cross is a picture of healing. Christ asked His father to take the cup asking if there was another way yet voluntarily did the Father's will. He then stretched himself out and was humiliated and exposed. I'm at the "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me" part. Christ knew God was there but he felt the separation. I've asked Him if there's another way (can I read another book? Hear another sermon? Do another ministry?) that I can heal or learn these life lessons. There's not...I have to let him expose things in my heart and feel all the emotions and give him full right to all of that. There's no way I can explain everything going on in my heart right now. As a dear friend put it, the Lord's doing major surgery on my heart and it's messy. It's painful. The Lord is using a recent trial to show that I don't trust Him, that I question if He is good, I question if He still loves etc. And worst of all he's been silent after the closeness and loudness of His voice that I had in Africa. I'm back at square 1. Getting back to the basics. I don't even feel like I have the words to pray so I've just found songs that say what I want to say. Here's an example. On the right you can listen to it.


How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night


I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe


Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night


No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say

Even when He is silent

There you go, i'm laying it out, exposing myself because I want healing. I might have some more bruises from falling off people's "missionary" pedestal. What kind of "missionary" struggles to know if God loves her or if God is good? A real one. I believe the sun still exists when it's dark or when it's cloudy so why would I believe God's done with me just because I don't see Him or hear Him or feel Him.