PAID

In this desert season, the Lord has been extremely quiet. In the last several years He would speak to my soul, I knew it was Him speaking and in the last year or so it was more clear than ever. Now, I don't hear anything, I don't "feel" anything. Yet, I believe He remains just as close as ever. In this season He is still "speaking" but in new ways. He's been doing a lot through songs on the radio, seasoned saints etc. But today He used another way, He's getting more creative all the time. In this "healing" season He's first had to show me things He has needed to heal (because I didn't know they were there). In my life I've been hurt, like the rest of us, and because I didn't resolve and forgive and allow these hurts to heal, they've festered into lies. For example, I've been hurt by relationships in my life where I did not feel loved. My conclusions have been I'm not worthy of love, I have to earn love...and so on...Of course I didnt think any of these things but subconciously that's what I believed.

The "I must be good to earn love" lie is what the Lord's been dealing with me most recently. I cannot grasp the fact that He loves me unconditionally. So I work tirelessly to try and earn His love so I don't disappoint Him, don't fail Him, don't push Him away...this is not grace and this is not how God's love "works" therefore I'm believing something false about Him.

I don't remember where I heard this...I think it was my discipleship counseling class I'm taking at a local bible college. The professor asked "How do we know what something is worth"? The answer is what someone will pay for it. Jesus Christ, God incarnate, left heaven and became a servant to lowly humans and paid the price of His life for me. He PAID everything, there is nothing left for me to pay, yet I keep trying to pay after it's been paid.

Today, I went to my little sister's softball tournament and to get in I had to get a stamp on my hand. When I was driving home from the tournament, I looked down at my hand...

"PAID" (upside down) stamped on my hand...oh that it would make it into my heart...

This ain't Africa!

Last week, I was driving back from San Diego and as soon as I got on the 5 North I was sitting in traffic. It was 9am on a Tuesday, it should not have been that much traffic. When I got to the source of the traffic jam, 2 lanes had been blocked off because of a 12 in long, 2 in deep hole in one of the lanes. There were 3 highway patrol, CalTrans with their big orange cones, and someone with a uniform on taking a picture. I just started laughing, thinking of the the number of holes in the road in Swaziland and things don't come to a halt...

He is on Our Side

I have this picture of what's going on in my life: I was walking down a road. The road had twists and turns and bumps and I could not see farther than my next step. I'm looking down by the dimly lit path I'm walking on and WHAM a truck coming the opposite direction slams into me. I'm knocked clear off the path and as I try to recover while still wondering "what was that" I realize I'm hurt - everything aches. Still in shock I stand to my feet but the path I was on is nowhere in sight. I don't even know which direction that path is in. Now I'm standing, my insides broken, in a dark place with no hope or direction. Questions fly through my head: Where did that come from? Am I ok? Will I ever heal? Where am I? What did I do to deserve this? How do I get back to that path? Was I ever even on a path to begin with?

While in this trial my heart has literally ached and some days I feel like there are open wounds. A few weeks ago I did have a tangible physical pain that I had to go and see the chiropractor for. I'm still not totally sure what the problem is but my lower back is in pain a good majority of the time. I rested a few days and jumped back into exercising and strength building only to be back almost where I started (flat on my back) this past Monday. It hurt to do anything at the gym and I came home livid. I went to the chiropractor yesterday and vented my frustration "I hate being limited!" I'm only 26 years old, I should be able to run and lift things. Part of the problem is my pride, I will admit because I HAVE to walk on the treadmill while everyone else is running. And not only do i have to walk but walk slow because anything more than a stroll brings pain. I wish I could wear a sign that says "I really could be running, I'm in shape enough to run, but I just have lower back pain". Venting to a friend today, I jokingly said "well at least I'm making everyone else feel better about themselves if they workout next to me".

Today at the gym the woman next to me and a few treadmills over from me on the right both walked the whole way. No, I didn't want to thank them for making me feel better or give them a high five and say "running is for the proud". I couldn't help but notice the lady next to me who was probably 10-15 years older than me about several pounds heavier than me kept glancing over at me. Suddenly, I was thinking, all the sudden she can relate to me. If I was running she might have been discouraged because she knew she couldn't run. It made me think about my "hating to be limited" comment and thinking how much Christ had to limit himself to come so I could relate to Him. I know I will come tumbling off that missionary pedestal if I keep being open and honest about where I'm at right now but praise Him because people can't relate to those on the pedestal but those who have been wounded.

The following is one of my favorite songs right now. "You are on our side" by Bethany Dillon. You can listen to it on the right in the red playlist. He's allowing me to be wounded so I can relate to the wounded. That's who Jesus spent His time with. I love the picture this song gives of Christ sitting at the table with all the world's rejected. He's laughing and joking with them, enjoying them, and I just see their shame lifting from them as He draws them closer. Thank you, Jesus!

The orphan clings to Your hand

Singing the song of how he was found

The widow rejoices

For her oppressors are silenced now

You sit at the table

with the wounded and the poor

You laugh and share stories

with the thief and the whore

When You could just be silent

and leave us here to die

Still, You sent Your Son for us

You are on our side

The runaway falls at Your feet

You are what he has searched for

The rich man is broken

When he stands beneath a sky full of stars

Thank Him

Beth Moore, one of my favorite teachers, said once in a message I heard of hers something like if she wakes up and is in a bad mood or something she thinks "Thank Him". And as she starts thanking Him and joy starts to flood her mind. One of my spiritual dads, also said "The Lord thrives off of thanksgiving".

In the midst of this darkness, trial, and desert season there are things that I am thankful for.

To start off, this morning I checked my email and my top 8 emails were from outside of the United States. If i looked at my top 10, the others were 2 I had met while living in Africa and even they don't live in California. I just started thanking the Lord that I woke up and had emails from Kenya, South Africa, Swaziland, Michigan, and Kansas City and as of tonight I got one from Atlanta from a sweet sister who I lived in Africa with. I'm so thankful that I have friends from so many tongues, tribes, and nations and that different languages were written in my emails. I love that these saints are from all different backgrounds, denominations, and paths leading to furthering the Kingdom of heaven. I love the ways they have all influenced me, encouraged me, poured into me, and challenged me.

Thank you:

My iPod is now fixed

for My home

My family and getting to be a part of their daily lives again

That you never leave me

for Time to heal

for Those you are bringing around me during this difficult time

for Your unconditional love

that My basic needs are met

that I had a meal tonight and will not go to bed hungry

for Electricity, water, shelter...

for 2 jobs during a difficult economic time in our country

for The gift of music

for 4 recent Phone calls from Africa

that You are good and you can do nothing less...