I Believe

I am crucified. My flesh is still here so I must choose to die to my desire and my will. Very practically, my desire is to write about encouraging, fun things the Lord has done in my life or let me experience like African women dancing when they receive soap. This whole crucifying thing is death and not just death but a painful death. And the more Becca dies the more you can see Christ.

I'm taking a class on Discipleship Counseling at a local Bible college and it's basically about helping people walk through the healing process. My teacher showed us how Christ going to the cross is a picture of healing. Christ asked His father to take the cup asking if there was another way yet voluntarily did the Father's will. He then stretched himself out and was humiliated and exposed. I'm at the "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me" part. Christ knew God was there but he felt the separation. I've asked Him if there's another way (can I read another book? Hear another sermon? Do another ministry?) that I can heal or learn these life lessons. There's not...I have to let him expose things in my heart and feel all the emotions and give him full right to all of that. There's no way I can explain everything going on in my heart right now. As a dear friend put it, the Lord's doing major surgery on my heart and it's messy. It's painful. The Lord is using a recent trial to show that I don't trust Him, that I question if He is good, I question if He still loves etc. And worst of all he's been silent after the closeness and loudness of His voice that I had in Africa. I'm back at square 1. Getting back to the basics. I don't even feel like I have the words to pray so I've just found songs that say what I want to say. Here's an example. On the right you can listen to it.


How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night


I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe


Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night


No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say

Even when He is silent

There you go, i'm laying it out, exposing myself because I want healing. I might have some more bruises from falling off people's "missionary" pedestal. What kind of "missionary" struggles to know if God loves her or if God is good? A real one. I believe the sun still exists when it's dark or when it's cloudy so why would I believe God's done with me just because I don't see Him or hear Him or feel Him.

Africa

I've lived in the States now for 4 months and yesterday I ran into someone I hadn't seen in years. She asked me "how was africa?" almost in the same way you would ask "how was your weekend?". Africa was a tool for the Lord to strip back some things in me that did not emulate His Son. A tool to let me experience the greatest joy I would have never imagined was possible. He used it to free from so many things that were holding me in bondage but He had to take me out of the States to even see the chains. How was Africa? Life changing. I'm not the only one. I love when others say things better than I ever could. Check out the video.

The Story of Gege: Part 5, Pictures of the Party

This is part 5 of a 5 part series telling the story of the Lord pursuing His people in Gege, Swaziland.

It's been a great journey going back through what God did in just 1 Sunday in Swaziland over the last 5 days. Below is a photo album of all the best pictures and a bit more of the story. Thank you for letting me be your representative in Swaziland. I got a question that I'm going to answer tomorrow in the blog but if you have any questions post a comment or email me and I'll answer them tomorrow.

Enjoy! Look at the kids sweet faces.

The Story of Gege: Part 4, Tear-soaked hugs

...continued from yesterday. This is part 4 of a 5 part blog to show God pouring out His tangible love on His own in Swaziland.


I walked into Make Zwane's house the morning of the Christmas party and there were stacks of 3lb. bags of rice and sugar (below) covering her living room.

Each identified orphan and elderly person in need was given a gift at the Christmas party. Below is a picture of everything the elderly people received. Left to right, starting in the back - rice, sugar, and candles (no electricity). In the front, left to right, matches, cooking oil, and tea bags. The bags for the children had a toy instead of the tea and candles and matches. What you need to understand also is the fact that they received rice is a big deal. Rice is a special treat for the people in Gege because it is expensive.

We, by 'we' i mean Phumlile and her sister (below), stuck all of the items in plastic bags. The 90 bags covered Make Zwane's living room floor so much that we couldn't walk which was especially challenging to me because I can hardly walk without falling in the first place.

As you can see from the sweet girl below, these bags were so heavy, I could barely lift them. I asked Make Zwane "If these people are so weak, how can they get these heavy bags home". "Oh, believe me", she said, "they will make a way".

And they did just that. How else do you get it home but put it on your head. I always said "I could never be a Swazi woman, my neck muscles aren't strong enough". Of course the women I talked about yesterday could not have done that; they had help.

The one in the front (picture below) is Make (Mah-gay, SiSwati for "Mrs.") Hlathwayo. Make Hlatwayo has lived in Gege and gone to this church about as long as Babe (Bah-bay, SiSwati for "Mr.") Zwane (see part 1 of this story for more on him). Anyway, Make Hlathwayo has become very good friends with Make (Mah-gay) Zwane and tells her the needs of the community. She also houses several orphans from the church in her home and other orphans in the neighborhood come to her house to eat one meal a day. I will never forget when we were passing out the gifts and Make Hlatwayo came up and hugged me and her face went against my chest and I felt her tears against my skin. I pulled back and she had tears streaming down her face and she pulled me in again for another hug and just said "thank you, thank you, so many people are so stingy, but you gave, thank you". I share that tear-soaked hug for all of you who gave because I got to physically receive it for you. As I looked around, most of the elderly women, although they were singing and dancing, had tears streaming down their sunkissed faces. And the ones who bypassed my handshake and went straight for the hug, squeezed like only grandmas can. Thank you for letting me be your representative.
Make Hlathwayo did cry but she also sang and worshiped the Lord and was absolutely hysterical. Here's a video, she's the one singing in the middle. Enjoy! I so wish we could just bust out like this with our voices in church and it sound this good.

The Story of Gege: Part 3, Dancing for Soap

...continued from yesterday...This is part 3 of the 5 part blog sharing sights and sounds of a Christmas party in Swaziland, Africa.
Picture waking up on Christmas morning, sitting in your pajamas next to the Christmas tree glowing with a string of lights and you with a Christmas present in your lap. You begin to unwrap the tiny package pulling the ribbon to take off the bow, removing the paper and when the present is revealed it is...SOAP. I'm not talking about fancy, good-smelling soap, I'm talking regular, original scent bar soap. How excited would you be? How would your relationship be with the person who just gave you the soap? If you're anything like me your smile and excitement before the present was unwrapped would have turned to scrunched eyebrows. "Huh? Soap. Um, thanks". That's because my basic hygiene needs, like soap are met. Soap is not a luxury, it's a necessity.



Not so in Swaziland. That large green bar these precious women are holding in the pictures are huge bars of soap. They use this for everything. They break it into smaller pieces and use it to bathe, they use it to handwash their clothes, they even rub it on a wet cloth and use it to wash their dishes. The women stood up and danced with their soap while cheering. I wish I could have got it on video but I was having to shake everyone's hands when we gave the gifts. It was priceless!

I'm not judging, I promise I'm not judging but after this party I saw Christmas in the States so differerent. Just seeing the presents I gave and received and how I expect to get a certain standard of gift and I couldn't help but remember the women dancing because they got soap.

The pastors were dancing too. I cannot tell you the joy that the people of this church were feeling that day. Nothing, i mean NOTHING like this had ever happened to them before. I admit sometimes I thought, "what's the big deal? It's just food and a few gifts, that I would consider necessities." I was so humbled though by their joy in having a party, having food, having soap and had to confess my ungratefulness. Enjoy the "pastors boogie" below.

The Story of Gege: Part 2, The Bishop's Wife

...continued from yesterday. This is part 2 of the 5 part blog sharing the story of the Christmas party I got to be a part of in Swaziland.

After a few emails were sent and 3 days had passed $1500 had come in to fund the Christmas party. We raised $2500 total. $1600 of it went to buying food and drinks for the party and gifts for the orphans and elderly. The rest went toward paying for school fees for some of the children, blessing the Zwanes, and providing food and clothes for the famililes of the two of the girls on the Cherish team.

When I was trying to figure out how to get the funds over to them for the party I felt like the Lord was prompting me to go over and deliver it. After much prayer, godly counsel, and the use of my Delta Sky Miles, I landed in Swaziland once again. This time with the objective to care for orphans and widows.
Is she not the most precious thing you have seen there on her knees before her Savior? Behind this precious woman of God is her husband, the bishop over all of the Apostolic Faith churches in Swaziland. I'm not sure how old the wife is but her husband is 91. She is just one example of the elderly people that were helped by the Christmas gift she received.

Days leading up to trip Make Zwane kept expressing her excitement about the Bishop's wife coming to the party. I found out the bishop's wife had not been to church in many months because of how ill she was. Make Zwane wanted me to shake everyone's hand and then give them their Christmas gift of food, candles, and soap. As you can see above the bishop's wife could barely get up off the bench she was sitting on to shake my hand but you better believe she was worshiping her Jesus during the singing and dancing of praise and worship. *Watch the below video to see the bishop's wife dance to her Jesus. In the still shot, she is the one on the right. In the video, Make Zwane is the one on the microphone and the first person you see to her left is the bishop's wife*

This precious daughter of the King of Kings had to be lifted up from where she was sitting by 2 other ladies in order for her to shake my hand. So many of the elderly at Make Zwane's church are so weak from not getting enough to eat that they no longer have the strength to walk to church. Transportation was arranged for them for the party.

Make Zwane was so humbled and overwhelmed by the generosity of the people in the States who gave she wanted to say thank you herself. When I first told her how much was raised she just kept yelling "Amen, Hallelujah". Don't miss at the end she says that the 91-year-old bishop said "I have never seen anything like this". THANK YOU!

The Story of Gege: Part 1, Meet the Zwanes

This is part 1 of a 5 part story telling about the Christmas party I got to be a part of in Swaziland last month...
Meet the Zwanes. Make (Mah-gay, Swazi name for "Mrs.") Zwane is the Vice Principal at one of the schools I used to teach bible study at in Swaziland. I met Make Zwane in 2006 and we hit it off almost immediately. She became like a mother [the literal meaning of "make" (mah-gay)] to me during my stay in Swaziland by always checking up on me throughout the week to see how I was doing and always had an open invitation for me to stay at her home. Make Zwane and I would usually talk and pray before I would teach the bible studies and one week she asked me to pray for the people in the church where her husband was a pastor.

Babe (bah-bay, Swazi name for "Mr.") Zwane's first wife passed away a few years ago and married his current bride 4 years ago. In Swaziland it is normal for a pastor in a rural area to have another job because the congregation cannot financially support him and his family. Babe Zwane is no exception; he also works for the government. Babe Zwane grew up in Gege and raised 5 children there but Make Zwane is still transitioning from urban Swaziland to rural Gege, located on a bumpy, African, dirt road about 1 hour in the dirt from the main road. I mention that because she isn't used to the situation that is so common in so many rural areas in Swaziland. She couldn't believe that people were literally starving, that parents die leaving children to raise their younger siblings alone etc; she has an outsider perspective like I do.

While at first Make Zwane asked the Lord why He had chosen her to live here and go to church here (Apostolic Faith Church of Gege, pictured above) she now believes God put her there to help tend to the needs of the congregation. She has told me countless stories about how she will unexpectedly receive some money and on Sunday someone will tell her a need that costs the exact amount she received earlier that week.

I went to Gege last year for the first time and the only way I can describe it is"death". Normally in Africa there are people walking up and down the roads, sitting outside of their houses chatting, etc but when I went to Gege it was eerily quiet. As we drove past houses Make Zwane showed me countless households where the whole family had died. The parents died because of HIV and the children starved. Make Zwane and I have prayed for this community so much during my stay in Swaziland.

About 1 month ago (2 months after I'd returned home from Swaziland) I was sitting in my room praying and the Lord prompted me to call Make Zwane. I'd tried to reach her countless times that month with no avail but of course this time she answered the phone. I let her talk as I didn't want to prompt her i.e. "The Lord told me to call you" - I just wanted to hear what was going on.

Within a few minutes she began talking about the people in Gege. She said the people are literally starving. The elderly people in her church could no longer come to church because they were too weak to walk. The children also constantly ask her for something to eat when they come to church. She gives where she can but her finances are also limited. Then she told me her desire to throw a Christmas party for the people in her church and send them home with food that would last a month. I asked her how much it would cost for everything and told her I would pray the Lord to provide. I hung up the phone and sent out a few emails telling people here of the need...

...more to come tomorrow

Swaziland, Part III

...continued from " more pics of Swaziland"

I was surprised at how many things had already changed in the just the three short months I had been gone. I love Swaziland but most things are on "Swazi time" so i couldn't believe a new coffee shop had been built and opened. Me and Julia had a sweet time of fellowship at Cafe Lingo one morning. Pray for Julia as she is getting ready to move back to the States after a two year stay in Swaziland.

This is precious Dolly and the children God has given her to minister to. I first met Dolly when I moved to Swaziland in 2006 because she cleaned my house at the time but I soon fell in love with her. Dolly still cleans houses but she lives in a very poor area just a few miles from the capital city and she began to notice there were lots of children who were not attending school. Most of the parents were not able to pay their children's school fees so the kids just sat at home. Dolly went to her chief and asked if she could begin meeting with the children. I will never forget when Dolly says "I don't know a lot but I can teach the children how to at least write their names." Dolly has done so much more than that - she has brought hope to these children. We took a kombi ( a 15 passenger van used for public transport) to where she meets the children and they were all just waiting for her by the tree. The following week she was going to have a Christmas party for them and she was so excited. This is really what the Lord has created her to do and she comes alive with her kids.

I also went and visited Phumlile's (from the Cherish team) homestead (traditional rural home). I adore her family. I took the team that came from RiverLakes Church this August to meet her family and you can ask any of the team members how precious this family is. I am always overwhelmed by their humility and joy. This is Phumlile's little sister, Makhosi - oh, i miss their sweet smiles.

...still more to come

More pics of Swaziland

It's been 9 days since i've been home and I thought the jet lag was over but I woke up at 2:30am and I'm still wide awake. I realized I never finished telling about my Swaziland trip...

Since it was "Christmas" (althought it was blazing hot) me, Julie, Jacci, and Zinty went to my favorite restaurant in Manzini and then exchanged some gifts. These girls are like my sisters, I love them to death.

We also couldn't help but notice how much Zinty looked like the reindeer on her bag. Seriously when I picked the bag up I knew Zinty's gift was going in there because she totally makes that face - can you see it?

Since the time I last left Swaziland, little Abbie Mae Mackie was born to my dear friend, Lauren (not pictured). This is at our missionary Christmas party but I went and spent a morning with Lauren and Abbie and she is precious - both of them are. I loved seeing Lauren as a mom and just that mom love overflowing on her infant. Lauren also has some great new insight into the Father's love for us now that she is a parent. She referenced the verse from Isaiah that goes something like "can a nursing mother forget her child? While she may forget, i will never forget you". Thanks Abbie for that little lesson.

One of the things I miss the most is the sights of Africa. I mentioned in the previous blog how I love seeing the women carrying things on their heads or people walking everywhere along the roads. Well here's another one. I love watching the women get their hair done. This is my friend, Thembi, doing her daughter's hair but my favorite is when the women are just sitting outside chatting and braiding each other's hair.

This is at Summerfield, a little restaurant that is in the middle of these botanical gardens that is about 5 minutes away from Swaziland's industrial sight. Thembi, Angel, and I went there for lunch and I was laughing because Thembi and Angel (the Swazis) had never been to this place that's less than 5 miles from their homes. Angel said "Becca, I think this is why you've come back to Swaziland, to show the Swazis their own country".

more to come...