I Believe

I am crucified. My flesh is still here so I must choose to die to my desire and my will. Very practically, my desire is to write about encouraging, fun things the Lord has done in my life or let me experience like African women dancing when they receive soap. This whole crucifying thing is death and not just death but a painful death. And the more Becca dies the more you can see Christ.

I'm taking a class on Discipleship Counseling at a local Bible college and it's basically about helping people walk through the healing process. My teacher showed us how Christ going to the cross is a picture of healing. Christ asked His father to take the cup asking if there was another way yet voluntarily did the Father's will. He then stretched himself out and was humiliated and exposed. I'm at the "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me" part. Christ knew God was there but he felt the separation. I've asked Him if there's another way (can I read another book? Hear another sermon? Do another ministry?) that I can heal or learn these life lessons. There's not...I have to let him expose things in my heart and feel all the emotions and give him full right to all of that. There's no way I can explain everything going on in my heart right now. As a dear friend put it, the Lord's doing major surgery on my heart and it's messy. It's painful. The Lord is using a recent trial to show that I don't trust Him, that I question if He is good, I question if He still loves etc. And worst of all he's been silent after the closeness and loudness of His voice that I had in Africa. I'm back at square 1. Getting back to the basics. I don't even feel like I have the words to pray so I've just found songs that say what I want to say. Here's an example. On the right you can listen to it.


How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night


I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe


Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night


No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say

Even when He is silent

There you go, i'm laying it out, exposing myself because I want healing. I might have some more bruises from falling off people's "missionary" pedestal. What kind of "missionary" struggles to know if God loves her or if God is good? A real one. I believe the sun still exists when it's dark or when it's cloudy so why would I believe God's done with me just because I don't see Him or hear Him or feel Him.